Today I sobbed all day. Today was hard. I kept thinking of all the ways different that this holiday should be. I kept watching my niece and nephew play and thinking that Sylvia should be here with them. We should be taking pictures of the three of them. We should be talking about all that we had to be thankful for. We should be laughing and smiling and celebrating. And we were. Kind of. But it was very different and very sad and there was a cloud on all of us. It wasn’t a doom and gloom cloud, rather a little purple fluff floating around reminding us of the way this day should have been. She should have been in my arms as I ate dinner. I would laugh excusing myself to breastfeed or change her diaper. Or Carlos would have held her maybe, speaking to her in Spanish, telling her about Thanksgiving. Maybe that would have been her nap time and she would have been sleeping quietly and perfectly. My tears were seemingly constant today and other family members break downs came and went as well. I watched Carlos when he was silently lost in his thoughts, drowning, just as I was. Today especially, I feel heavy and tired. I try very, very hard to put on a happy face. At work, out with friends, my day to day…I try very hard. Inside, I am still dying. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am exhausted.
With a year that no one would fault me for not being thankful for much, I find myself trying to cumulate a list of things I can reflect on and appreciate. Hopefully its the optimist in me or maybe I am just searching for normalcy or continuing a habit of taking the time, on this day every year, to pause and really acknowledge the big and small things I can be grateful for. In my head I planned on writing this blog as a list of these things. I planned on perfectly curating this list. Verbiage detailing all the silver linings I try so desperately to cling to and spelling out memories and moments that no one can take from me. And maybe some day I will write this list, but tonight I am exhausted. I will keep this list for myself for now, locked in my heart and continually being added to. So I simply write that I am eternally and entirely thankful for Sylvia, her life and her legacy that has fully changed everything about myself, Carlos and our families. I am so, so grateful for carrying her to term, meeting her, holding her, kissing her and being her mommy. I am also so grateful that I get to share her with all the people that love her even though they never met her. I am thankful for Carlos, who stands bravely beside me and I am grateful for my family, our friends and the support we have recieved. Though my world seems very, very confusing now and I am so scattered about what I believe in anymore, I am thankful for Sylvia’s constant presence in my life, her energy all around me and her love. Thank you little dove. We love you so, so much.