I don’t know what I am waiting for, but I constantly feel like I am. I don’t know if its some epiphany (that isn’t coming) or if its an event (that won’t happen) or if its a sudden miracle (not possible) that I feel is just riiiiiight there. Its not that I *think* this thing, whatever it is, is there. No, I know its not. But I feel like it is there. Does that difference make sense? You know when a very punctual person says they will pick you up at a certain time and then they are late? Those minutes between the time that they said they would be there and when they actually arrive is what I feel like I am stuck in. You know they are about to show up, so you want to be ready, and certainly not involve yourself into some other activity, because surely they are just around the corner. I feel like that, except there is nothing on the horizon. Semi-anxious, low lying nervousness, mindless pacing, time occupying but thoughtless instability of what to do while waiting for what is about to happen. Except, once again, nothing is going to happen. Constant anticipation of nothing. I don’t know even when this started or even if its getting worse. I don’t know if its because its winter and the holidays and the darkness? Or if its just because of the simple idea of time? I don’t know if I will be this way for the rest of my life, or if this will ease up? I don’t know. But I know that is has caused a complete lack of motivation, inspiration and excitement, seemingly independently of my daughters death that is exhausting.  Continue reading →

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas always has been kind of a weird time. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love the warmth, the union and the happiness that comes with it. It is a meal with the people you love for no other reason than to be thankful. I have heard some people make the argument that all meals should be entered with the same thought process and mindfulness that comes with Thanksgiving, which is a great idea in theory, but it just doesn’t always happen. Every moment I am just as thankful as I am on Thanksgiving, but during that day specifically, I can reflect on the building blocks of my life and properly dissect why I am thankful. Thanksgiving is warmth and love and togetherness.  Continue reading →