October 15th

October 15th is the national Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Carlos, myself and our family and some friends attended a balloon release with our support group. The event was emotional and beautiful. I was shocked by how many people were there. They supplied biodegradable paper that contained seeds to write a message and put inside the balloon, also biodegradable. They announced the names of babies and pregnancies gone too soon with a harpist playing a cord in-between names as you released your balloon. I couldn’t believe how many names were read off, the list just seemed to keep going. Truly heartbreakingly beautiful. I sobbed the whole time, along with most of our family and friends. This photo was snapped by a friend, the coordinator for the event who also one of our nurses when we were admitted to the hospital and the day she was delivered. I am so thankful.

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There have been lots of things that have come and gone since Sylvia was born. Initially, the first milestone was the first week. That came and went, painfully. Then we had doctor’s appointments to go to weekly, those came and went and are done now. I cried the entire way home from our last appointment, because of the finality of it, the symbolism that we were done seeing him. Therapy appointments, those come and go weekly still. Our vacation, came and went. October 15th, done. My return to work, painful and done. And now what? Things that look so much in the future keep coming and going. Daily I ask myself, ‘What now?…’ I am so conflicted about time now because as these things keep happening and I feel like I am moving further and further away from her. I don’t have the future to look forward to with Sylvia. I only have the past. So as time keeps going, I am further from that day that I held her for the first, only and last time. I am terrified. If I stop to think about it, I can still feel the weight of her body in my arms. I can still remember how her fingers felt and I can still feel her cold head against my lips when I kissed her. I remember how soft and feathery her hair was as I rubbed it between my fingers. This is physically all I have of her and as time goes on and I am terrified of forgetting these things. I constantly look at pictures so the images stay etched in my mind. You know when you see a picture so much from your past that you remember the picture as the memory rather than the actual memory as your memory? Will that happen with my daughter?

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The ballon release fell right in the middle of bad storms we have been having here. Rain, wind and ugly days had been going on for at least 3 days prior to the event. It was still overcast as we let the balloons go. As we left the event though, the sky broke for the most striking sunset I have seen in a very long time. Sylvia, I know this was you and all the babies that were honored that day. Thank you little girl, you are so loved.

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Teresa MendozaComment