Letter to Sylvia

My beautiful daughter,

You would be one month old today. Your daddy and I miss you every second, of every hour, of every day. We are consumed with thoughts of you and we talk about you all the time to each other, to your family and to our friends. You have changed us, entirely. Thank you for your bravery, your strength, your love and your life. 

This past weekend your daddy and I went on the vacation that was going to be our first family trip together. I booked the cabin months ago, imagining it would be the perfect weekend away on what would have been your daddy’s last days of paternity leave. It was an emotional weekend that I wasn’t even sure was a good idea until we left. Laying in bed those nights, I envisioned where you would have slept. I knew where I would have curled up to nurse you. I knew your daddy would have been walking you around the cabin, showing you what this side of the mountains looked like, pointing out all the tiny black squirrels running and climbing the large evergreens. Every where we go, everything we see, we wish we could be holding you, showing you and telling you about all the beautiful things this world is filled with. We have reminders that you are with us all the time and we feel so lucky. Anything purple reminds us of you. There were purple flowers blooming outside the cabin this weekend. I know that was you.

Last night grandma and grandpa had abuela and abuelo over for dinner. Tio, tia and primos were also there. There was a candle lit for you. We sat outside in the same backyard your baby shower was at. It was a beautiful fall night. It was peaceful and quiet and full of love. Through a clearing of sycamore branches I could see a dove perched on a telephone line that watched us the entire time. I know that was you.

We have so many friends that have had babies in the last couple months or are due soon. I know they would have all been your friends. I am so sorry you don’t get to meet them. That rescue dog we stupidly got when I was pregnant with you? We told him all about his little sister that would be coming soon and he better shape up. He is a very good boy now and is full of love. He gives us so many laughs and smiles. I am so sorry you didn’t get to meet him.

Your daddy is the most amazing man I know. You looked just like him. Because of him I can be strong, but it’s very hard. I cry all the time, little girl. I miss you so much. I want you here. You are gone and our lives are different. You made me a mommy and I am so thankful for that. Daddy is a daddy because of you. He is so grateful. We are going to a support group tonight that we are nervous about. I know you will be there with us helping us to be brave.

I have a lot of guilt, my angel. I know there is no where better than with your daddy and I but for some reason you aren’t here, and I am so sorry. I tried my very best to bring you into this beautiful world with us and it didn’t work. We don’t know why you’re not here, maybe you do, and we are okay with that. You were warm and cozy curled up and my heart beat was the last thing you heard. That gives me a little peace. My beautiful, perfect little daughter, my heart will always beat for you. I love you Sylvia.

All of my love forever and ever,

Your mommy

Teresa MendozaComment